Mood: Happy but a bit tired
After two days on my new Liferope in a Pill I'm feeling pretty good. No apparent side effects and even the trouble I had last time on Celexa (insomnia) doesn't seem to be taking the same hold. I am having disrupted sleep though; tossing and turning several times a night thus my slight ass-dragging today. I feel pretty great mood-wise although I'm also still riding the wave of relief at having some solutions within reach. I'm hoping to ride that wave until the pill actually start to kick in.
Had a really great conversation on Twitter yesterday with a gal who had a miscarriage this past February. Women really don't talk about this subject enough. It's a common shared experience among women and we can provide each other such comfort. This conversation also revealed to me how far I have moved from my own experience. Her pain was still pretty raw and fresh and in comparison I could feel how much I have healed in the past 4 years. I hope I offered her some comfort that healing is possible.
Now, I think it's time for another cup of tea....
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Go Toward The Light
Mood: Happy And Extremely Hopeful
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Its a teeny light, but I can see it! It could be a train coming at me, but I'm going to go toward the light.
Saw the new doctor today. Want a fresh start, a new perspective on my health situation and I was really pleased with our first appointment. I explained to her that I've been on a Merry Go Round and I know some of the things that would help make me feel better however I just didn't know where to begin. We discussed a number of things that will be investigated so I finally feel like I have a "teammate" for getting myself pointed forward again.
We started with a prescription for Celexa. I had success with this anti-depressant about 3 years ago, so it was a good place to begin. It has been many months of trying to deciding whether this was a good move for me, but the Lows have been coming closer together lately and the valleys have been deeper each time. When they started returning, they were sporadic and only a bit of a Dip. But as they increase in intensity, I now know that it's the right thing to do...at least for now.
I have an appointment with a respiratory clinic to do a sleep study. I was not surprised when the Doc suggested that we check for Sleep Apnea. I wake up most mornings feeling like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat during the night. It really doesn't matter if I've had 6 hours sleep or nine. I wake up feeling horrible. So, in about a week I will find out if that has been a factor as well. And for good measure we are gonna have a peek at my hormones and other chemical levels. They were all fine last February, but it doesn't hurt to check The Fluid Levels before the Check Engine Light comes on.
The doctor's office is also referring me to a psychologist as well. Probably a good idea to talk to a professional about the beehive known as the inside of my brain, although I sure hope this professional has a large pad of paper and a plan because I really won't know where to begin!
It's a small step, but Lao Tzu said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step". I'm incredibly thankful for this one small step. I've been feeling like I have been twirling around and around in one spot for quite a while and a step in ANY direction feels like absolute relief. March On!!
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Its a teeny light, but I can see it! It could be a train coming at me, but I'm going to go toward the light.
Saw the new doctor today. Want a fresh start, a new perspective on my health situation and I was really pleased with our first appointment. I explained to her that I've been on a Merry Go Round and I know some of the things that would help make me feel better however I just didn't know where to begin. We discussed a number of things that will be investigated so I finally feel like I have a "teammate" for getting myself pointed forward again.
We started with a prescription for Celexa. I had success with this anti-depressant about 3 years ago, so it was a good place to begin. It has been many months of trying to deciding whether this was a good move for me, but the Lows have been coming closer together lately and the valleys have been deeper each time. When they started returning, they were sporadic and only a bit of a Dip. But as they increase in intensity, I now know that it's the right thing to do...at least for now.
I have an appointment with a respiratory clinic to do a sleep study. I was not surprised when the Doc suggested that we check for Sleep Apnea. I wake up most mornings feeling like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat during the night. It really doesn't matter if I've had 6 hours sleep or nine. I wake up feeling horrible. So, in about a week I will find out if that has been a factor as well. And for good measure we are gonna have a peek at my hormones and other chemical levels. They were all fine last February, but it doesn't hurt to check The Fluid Levels before the Check Engine Light comes on.
The doctor's office is also referring me to a psychologist as well. Probably a good idea to talk to a professional about the beehive known as the inside of my brain, although I sure hope this professional has a large pad of paper and a plan because I really won't know where to begin!
It's a small step, but Lao Tzu said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step". I'm incredibly thankful for this one small step. I've been feeling like I have been twirling around and around in one spot for quite a while and a step in ANY direction feels like absolute relief. March On!!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lost Forever
Mood: I was happy... But now: frustrated
I just typed a long blog post and then with one wrong hit of a button it was all lost.
And I don't feel like retyping the WHOLE thing.
Crapola!
I just typed a long blog post and then with one wrong hit of a button it was all lost.
And I don't feel like retyping the WHOLE thing.
Crapola!
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Weekend Has Arrived
Mood: Lovely
It is nearing the start of the weekend and that makes me want to dance. In my Living Room. In my underwear. Actually I take back that last part because its usually so bloody chilly in our Living Room that I would probably take out an eye.
Hubby has been home for the past couple of days and he is now, unexpectedly, going to be home for the weekend. He was aligned to leave tomorrow for Oregon but he's been feeling sick and has decided to stay home and get better. That is quite unusual for him since he tends to Hero Up and press onward until he ends up with pneumonia and collapses in a cold sweat under the trailer. Nice to see him making an attempt to look after his health for a change. (even if throughout today I have had to squash his feelings of guilt for choosing to stay home).
I'm really feeling the lack of sunshine this year. I feel my body craving it. We go through Winter every year and every year our days get shorter and shorter right on cue. But this year it feels to me like we are getting about 20 minutes of daylight a day and that is usually filtered by clouds. If Star Trek's Scotty could "beam" me to the equator for the weekend I would certainly appreciate it. I would lie under that sun and soak up as much Vitamin D as possible. The slurping noise as my skin sucked up the rays would be deafening. In less than 20 days the length between sunrise and sunset will start to get longer and we'll be on the upswing, so please bear with me as I sit here in the window from now till then.
And now, my Friday evening should get under way. I always love Friday evenings. I have an entire weekend lying ahead of me, with all sorts of memory-building, relax-and-recharge possibilities. Some weekends are full of good times and others are pleasantly filled with an over-abundance of Absolutely Nothingness (naps included). Not sure what this weekend will hold, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Cheers to you and your weekend!
It is nearing the start of the weekend and that makes me want to dance. In my Living Room. In my underwear. Actually I take back that last part because its usually so bloody chilly in our Living Room that I would probably take out an eye.
Hubby has been home for the past couple of days and he is now, unexpectedly, going to be home for the weekend. He was aligned to leave tomorrow for Oregon but he's been feeling sick and has decided to stay home and get better. That is quite unusual for him since he tends to Hero Up and press onward until he ends up with pneumonia and collapses in a cold sweat under the trailer. Nice to see him making an attempt to look after his health for a change. (even if throughout today I have had to squash his feelings of guilt for choosing to stay home).
I'm really feeling the lack of sunshine this year. I feel my body craving it. We go through Winter every year and every year our days get shorter and shorter right on cue. But this year it feels to me like we are getting about 20 minutes of daylight a day and that is usually filtered by clouds. If Star Trek's Scotty could "beam" me to the equator for the weekend I would certainly appreciate it. I would lie under that sun and soak up as much Vitamin D as possible. The slurping noise as my skin sucked up the rays would be deafening. In less than 20 days the length between sunrise and sunset will start to get longer and we'll be on the upswing, so please bear with me as I sit here in the window from now till then.
And now, my Friday evening should get under way. I always love Friday evenings. I have an entire weekend lying ahead of me, with all sorts of memory-building, relax-and-recharge possibilities. Some weekends are full of good times and others are pleasantly filled with an over-abundance of Absolutely Nothingness (naps included). Not sure what this weekend will hold, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Cheers to you and your weekend!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Falling Apart at the Seams
Mood: Relaxed...today. Yesterday. crawl-under-the-bed
Yesterday was one of "those" days. You know, the kind that starts out relatively normal but one teeny thing goes wrong and then that leads to another thing and pretty soon your day has snowballed into a Raging Shitstorm of Destruction. Yeah, that was Tuesday.
I had ambitious plans to get up and out the door relatively early, and that plan was going well. I thought that while I finished getting ready I would sync my Blackberry with my laptop to update some new song that had been downloaded there. Oh no, the Technology Gods would have none of that! First I had to download an update application for my Blackberry. Seemed like a harmless enough task; except that it took forever and sort of froze up. When all was said and done, my Blackberry had been stripped of all the contents of my brain: all my calendar appointments, all my contacts, all my lists, everything. For a moment I forgot how to preform the simple task of breathing.
In with the good air, out with the bad.
I managed to head down the road in my car, still in a bit of a daze (and operating heavy machinery, good one!) but I figured I could manage to restore most of the information from pieces here and there. Onward to Edmonton. Some work things to do and then pick up my DHL mail, where I was expecting an exciting package with catalogues and fun.
But no package!?
I'm sure my level of disappointment would have been more proportional to the actual event if the sun had been shining and I had joy in my soul ... and the stars were aligned properly with Jupiter. But on this Tuesday, the Tuesday From Hell, a large cinder block was placed firmly on my heart. Oh yeah, that statement sounds terribly over dramatic (and it is) but that's just how overly dramatic I felt.
One stop at Walmart for catfood and I can be on my way; back to the safe cocoon of Under My Bed. No major apocalypse in WallyWorld, but just the teeniest of things annoyed me. I wanted to flip off every person who dared to step into the aisle in front of me. If it wasn't for the cute baby in the long line up in front of me, I think I would've been headlining on the evening news.
Let's roll this car northbound and just escape to the sanity of home. Then the phone rings. Hubby is stopped on the side of the road somewhere in southern Alberta with antifreeze spewing everywhere. He had to hitchhike to get more antifreeze and thought he had it fixed but just as we were talking it let go again and he had to hang up quickly, before I could even get the whole story or where exactly he was. Oh, and did I mention that he's been fighting a cold for days and sounds like Walking Death?
An hour and a half later I still hadn't heard from him and he wasn't answering his phone (despite dialing his number Numerous Times). By now I am sitting in my living room sobbing because my already negative brain is wondering the worst and frankly just couldn't take any more crap. I have no idea where he is and not sure exactly what was going on. Finally he answered, out of breath, sounding worse and really frustrated. He had had to walk to a farm for more water... and didn't take his phone with him. Oh my, the expletives that still run through my brain as I type this today.
He eventually got things patched up and got rolling again but it took him quite a while. And I eventually dabbed my puffy eyes and managed to scrape up some supper (not that I was very hungry). What a completely shitty day.
Again, I'm sure the events of the day, although pretty crappy, wouldn't have been so devastating on any other day. But the Litmus Paper for this Tuesday showed that all things would be highly acidic.
I'm just glad it's Wednesday.
Yesterday was one of "those" days. You know, the kind that starts out relatively normal but one teeny thing goes wrong and then that leads to another thing and pretty soon your day has snowballed into a Raging Shitstorm of Destruction. Yeah, that was Tuesday.
I had ambitious plans to get up and out the door relatively early, and that plan was going well. I thought that while I finished getting ready I would sync my Blackberry with my laptop to update some new song that had been downloaded there. Oh no, the Technology Gods would have none of that! First I had to download an update application for my Blackberry. Seemed like a harmless enough task; except that it took forever and sort of froze up. When all was said and done, my Blackberry had been stripped of all the contents of my brain: all my calendar appointments, all my contacts, all my lists, everything. For a moment I forgot how to preform the simple task of breathing.
In with the good air, out with the bad.
I managed to head down the road in my car, still in a bit of a daze (and operating heavy machinery, good one!) but I figured I could manage to restore most of the information from pieces here and there. Onward to Edmonton. Some work things to do and then pick up my DHL mail, where I was expecting an exciting package with catalogues and fun.
But no package!?
I'm sure my level of disappointment would have been more proportional to the actual event if the sun had been shining and I had joy in my soul ... and the stars were aligned properly with Jupiter. But on this Tuesday, the Tuesday From Hell, a large cinder block was placed firmly on my heart. Oh yeah, that statement sounds terribly over dramatic (and it is) but that's just how overly dramatic I felt.
One stop at Walmart for catfood and I can be on my way; back to the safe cocoon of Under My Bed. No major apocalypse in WallyWorld, but just the teeniest of things annoyed me. I wanted to flip off every person who dared to step into the aisle in front of me. If it wasn't for the cute baby in the long line up in front of me, I think I would've been headlining on the evening news.
Let's roll this car northbound and just escape to the sanity of home. Then the phone rings. Hubby is stopped on the side of the road somewhere in southern Alberta with antifreeze spewing everywhere. He had to hitchhike to get more antifreeze and thought he had it fixed but just as we were talking it let go again and he had to hang up quickly, before I could even get the whole story or where exactly he was. Oh, and did I mention that he's been fighting a cold for days and sounds like Walking Death?
An hour and a half later I still hadn't heard from him and he wasn't answering his phone (despite dialing his number Numerous Times). By now I am sitting in my living room sobbing because my already negative brain is wondering the worst and frankly just couldn't take any more crap. I have no idea where he is and not sure exactly what was going on. Finally he answered, out of breath, sounding worse and really frustrated. He had had to walk to a farm for more water... and didn't take his phone with him. Oh my, the expletives that still run through my brain as I type this today.
He eventually got things patched up and got rolling again but it took him quite a while. And I eventually dabbed my puffy eyes and managed to scrape up some supper (not that I was very hungry). What a completely shitty day.
Again, I'm sure the events of the day, although pretty crappy, wouldn't have been so devastating on any other day. But the Litmus Paper for this Tuesday showed that all things would be highly acidic.
I'm just glad it's Wednesday.
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Change In View
Mood: Bordering on a bit grumpy all day. Then a change of heart.
Energy Level: Nil, Zip, Nada, Zilch, None, No Way, Forget About It.
I moved through today like a slug. At one point you had to ram a stick into the ground beside me to see if I was moving. And not just physically; my brain moved at about the same speed. Bad case of the Monday Blahs. If it had been the weekend, I think I would've slept all day.
And although at no point did I actually get grumpy, I could feel it bubbling just below the surface. Just not really thrilled with putting one foot in front of the other and didn't really care. C'est sera sera. Let tomorrow be a better day.
However, although I still have the energy of a wet sponge, I do have to admit that I am feeling rather humble and grateful at the moment. Just finished reading several pages in "The Promised Land" by Pierre Burton and we should all walk outside and kiss the ground thankfully (especially those of us who live in Western Canada) for the settlers, namely from eastern Europe, and what they had to go through to get here. I know the Hungarians on my mother's side, who came to Canada just before the turn of the century, probably endured similar horrors as described in Pierre's book.
God Bless them all for the great country we have!
Energy Level: Nil, Zip, Nada, Zilch, None, No Way, Forget About It.
I moved through today like a slug. At one point you had to ram a stick into the ground beside me to see if I was moving. And not just physically; my brain moved at about the same speed. Bad case of the Monday Blahs. If it had been the weekend, I think I would've slept all day.
And although at no point did I actually get grumpy, I could feel it bubbling just below the surface. Just not really thrilled with putting one foot in front of the other and didn't really care. C'est sera sera. Let tomorrow be a better day.
However, although I still have the energy of a wet sponge, I do have to admit that I am feeling rather humble and grateful at the moment. Just finished reading several pages in "The Promised Land" by Pierre Burton and we should all walk outside and kiss the ground thankfully (especially those of us who live in Western Canada) for the settlers, namely from eastern Europe, and what they had to go through to get here. I know the Hungarians on my mother's side, who came to Canada just before the turn of the century, probably endured similar horrors as described in Pierre's book.
God Bless them all for the great country we have!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Me Myself and I
Mood: Quiet today
I documented my mood as "quiet" although at the moment the word Disappointed would be more appropriate as I just finished watching an exciting Grey Cup in which the Roughriders lost to the Alouettes. They played their hearts out and it was a nail biting game.
Yesterday I had a fabulous day. I got the Kubota running in order to clear some snow on the driveway and in front of the house. Before Hubby left he didn't put the blade back onto the tractor so I had to use the bucket, which isn't too bad, just more time consuming and it doesn't do as nice a job. Once I had finished clearing the necessary areas, I was feeling confident enough to try and put the blade on all by myself. And I did it! Not to make this job sound bigger than it is, but I was extremely proud of myself for doing a difficult task and not getting frustrated. Not even a little bit. That hasn't been the case for the most part lately. Any little frustration would get the tears to rollin'. No Kleenex required.
It felt so good that I walked around cheering "Yay Me!" to myself for a little while. Bella, the cat, was very proud of me too.
My social calendar has been pleasantly full lately. I checked out a jewelry party with a friend yesterday afternoon and then Jethro and I joined a couple of nieces for supper in Radway for a birthday celebration.
Today I was feeling considerably quieter. Hubby even asked if I was mad at him because I was a bit quiet. Just feeling mellow, I guess. Not feeling sad or melancholy. Just quiet. I guess my brain decided it was Sunday and thought it deserved a day off once and a while as well.
I have an interesting week ahead. Work two days, have a day off, and then work two days. It will be like having a weekend in the middle of the week!
And that's always a good thing.
I documented my mood as "quiet" although at the moment the word Disappointed would be more appropriate as I just finished watching an exciting Grey Cup in which the Roughriders lost to the Alouettes. They played their hearts out and it was a nail biting game.
Yesterday I had a fabulous day. I got the Kubota running in order to clear some snow on the driveway and in front of the house. Before Hubby left he didn't put the blade back onto the tractor so I had to use the bucket, which isn't too bad, just more time consuming and it doesn't do as nice a job. Once I had finished clearing the necessary areas, I was feeling confident enough to try and put the blade on all by myself. And I did it! Not to make this job sound bigger than it is, but I was extremely proud of myself for doing a difficult task and not getting frustrated. Not even a little bit. That hasn't been the case for the most part lately. Any little frustration would get the tears to rollin'. No Kleenex required.
It felt so good that I walked around cheering "Yay Me!" to myself for a little while. Bella, the cat, was very proud of me too.
My social calendar has been pleasantly full lately. I checked out a jewelry party with a friend yesterday afternoon and then Jethro and I joined a couple of nieces for supper in Radway for a birthday celebration.
Today I was feeling considerably quieter. Hubby even asked if I was mad at him because I was a bit quiet. Just feeling mellow, I guess. Not feeling sad or melancholy. Just quiet. I guess my brain decided it was Sunday and thought it deserved a day off once and a while as well.
I have an interesting week ahead. Work two days, have a day off, and then work two days. It will be like having a weekend in the middle of the week!
And that's always a good thing.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Pearly Whites and Christmas Cheer
Mood: Cheery and Friendly
Inside my head today I had two tape players broadcasting conflicting messages (no I am not hearing voices...yet). Fortunately the one playing the cheerful banter was louder than the more negative loop. In the foreground was the beginnings of Christmas spirit and community. Seeing old friends this evening at the local Christmas Market was just lovely. Making plans for a couple of outings tomorrow also helped to keep the soul in the upright position.
In the background clutter of my thoughts today was the usual end of year distraction of dollars and cents with this year being particularly consuming. But a unexpected visit to the dentist this afternoon to repair a broken tooth did not help to soften that distraction. Oh, your nickels are already stretched like a hooker's spandex? Well, let's throw this little wrench into things just to shake it up a little. Always fun.
But, despite the hiccups that keep coming I have been plunging forward in rather good nature. What is up with that? It seems that when we are hovering near the edge of that horrible abyss, I'm not hardly fazed. But, have a package that I'm expecting not arrive in timely fashion or have a holiday unfold as something short of a Norman Rockwell painting and I'm huddled in the corner in the fetal position, one bone-curdling sob from an I-Love-Me jacket.
I may be a diva.
Someone get me a glass of water. And don't forget the lemon wedge.
Inside my head today I had two tape players broadcasting conflicting messages (no I am not hearing voices...yet). Fortunately the one playing the cheerful banter was louder than the more negative loop. In the foreground was the beginnings of Christmas spirit and community. Seeing old friends this evening at the local Christmas Market was just lovely. Making plans for a couple of outings tomorrow also helped to keep the soul in the upright position.
In the background clutter of my thoughts today was the usual end of year distraction of dollars and cents with this year being particularly consuming. But a unexpected visit to the dentist this afternoon to repair a broken tooth did not help to soften that distraction. Oh, your nickels are already stretched like a hooker's spandex? Well, let's throw this little wrench into things just to shake it up a little. Always fun.
But, despite the hiccups that keep coming I have been plunging forward in rather good nature. What is up with that? It seems that when we are hovering near the edge of that horrible abyss, I'm not hardly fazed. But, have a package that I'm expecting not arrive in timely fashion or have a holiday unfold as something short of a Norman Rockwell painting and I'm huddled in the corner in the fetal position, one bone-curdling sob from an I-Love-Me jacket.
I may be a diva.
Someone get me a glass of water. And don't forget the lemon wedge.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Cruisin' in Neutral
Mood: Cheerful
I had a real problem deciding on a word to use to describe my mood today. I wasn't feeling overly skip-to-my-lou today but certainly wasn't blah or blue, so cheerful seems to work. I wanted to put Neutral. Or Normal. However I laughed out loud at that last one... there is very little about me that could be described as Normal.
Temperatures above zero and the sun a-shining made for a lovely day in my Mobile Office. My travels took me to Onoway, which really is an enchanting little town. And good tunes blaring out the speakers, just loud enough to drown out my singing, kept that little car bee-boppin.
I'd like to write some really profound revelation from today, but there just wasn't any. That's why I wanted to label today as Neutral. No drama, no enlightenment.
All is good.
I had a real problem deciding on a word to use to describe my mood today. I wasn't feeling overly skip-to-my-lou today but certainly wasn't blah or blue, so cheerful seems to work. I wanted to put Neutral. Or Normal. However I laughed out loud at that last one... there is very little about me that could be described as Normal.
Temperatures above zero and the sun a-shining made for a lovely day in my Mobile Office. My travels took me to Onoway, which really is an enchanting little town. And good tunes blaring out the speakers, just loud enough to drown out my singing, kept that little car bee-boppin.
I'd like to write some really profound revelation from today, but there just wasn't any. That's why I wanted to label today as Neutral. No drama, no enlightenment.
All is good.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Today is Happy...Get over it!
Mood: Cheerful and dancing
The sun is shining. The thermometer is climbing. Its a good day. A Happy day.
And there's something wrong with that.
I've been having such a great morning (even danced in my Living Room!) and yet I caught myself holding back somehow. As I did some quotes for a customer today I found myself humming a tune and yet there is a thin cloud of guilt that hangs over.
Instead of just enjoying the fact that I'm having a great day, I'm feeling, in the back of my mind where all the dark thinking begins, "oh yeah. you're Happy today. but what about tomorrow? Happy days are usually followed by crash days". And I feel this urge to try and figure out why today is Happier than yesterday. What am I doing right today that I didn't do yesterday? How can I hold on tightly to this Happiness? And through all of this the clock keeps ticking and the hours keep passing and before I know it my Happy Day will have passed and I didn't even stop to enjoy it.
So, screw it! It is what it is. A Happy Day. And I'm gonna live the shit out of it!
But... if I let myself be Happy today does that negate the blues of yesterday? Again, in that dark place in the back of my mind where the voices never shut up, I hear "if you let yourself be Happy today then I guess you really AREN'T depressed and all the tears and whining of yesterday and other dark days are just bullshit and you are just a spoiled diva. it's all or nothing. either you are depressed and feeling on the edge of destruction every day or you are Happy and dancing in your living room every day. you can't have both".
Well, maybe I can have both? At least until I can get some medical answers and guidance. I guess there will be good days. And there will be bad days. One good day doesn't mean I'm in remission and on the road to being cured. And one bad day doesn't mean that all Happy days are over.
It is what it is. A Happy day.
Go and enjoy it......
The sun is shining. The thermometer is climbing. Its a good day. A Happy day.
And there's something wrong with that.
I've been having such a great morning (even danced in my Living Room!) and yet I caught myself holding back somehow. As I did some quotes for a customer today I found myself humming a tune and yet there is a thin cloud of guilt that hangs over.
Instead of just enjoying the fact that I'm having a great day, I'm feeling, in the back of my mind where all the dark thinking begins, "oh yeah. you're Happy today. but what about tomorrow? Happy days are usually followed by crash days". And I feel this urge to try and figure out why today is Happier than yesterday. What am I doing right today that I didn't do yesterday? How can I hold on tightly to this Happiness? And through all of this the clock keeps ticking and the hours keep passing and before I know it my Happy Day will have passed and I didn't even stop to enjoy it.
So, screw it! It is what it is. A Happy Day. And I'm gonna live the shit out of it!
But... if I let myself be Happy today does that negate the blues of yesterday? Again, in that dark place in the back of my mind where the voices never shut up, I hear "if you let yourself be Happy today then I guess you really AREN'T depressed and all the tears and whining of yesterday and other dark days are just bullshit and you are just a spoiled diva. it's all or nothing. either you are depressed and feeling on the edge of destruction every day or you are Happy and dancing in your living room every day. you can't have both".
Well, maybe I can have both? At least until I can get some medical answers and guidance. I guess there will be good days. And there will be bad days. One good day doesn't mean I'm in remission and on the road to being cured. And one bad day doesn't mean that all Happy days are over.
It is what it is. A Happy day.
Go and enjoy it......
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Up Down and All Around
Mood: Good, then Bad, then Good, then Tired
Today was an absolute hodge-podge of emotion. I hit the whole scale and every point in between. The day started pretty good. Not doing any Julie Andrews twirling in my kitchen or anything, but facing the day quite well (despite being a bit grumpy about the freakin cold temperatures).
And then the earth tilted slightly on its axis and I started sliding downhill. By the time I was driving into town for my doctor's appointment, I was feeling pretty teary. Just feeling so frustrated. Somewhere inside I am a genuinely happy bubbly person. But for some reason it is just excruciating work to keep that sunshiny person on the outside on a daily basis. The best way I can describe it is: imagine doing your mundane household chores (ie taking out the garbage, vacumming, dusting, laundry) in a snowsuit and big winter boots. I'm able to do all those chores, but I just feel like I'm lugging around this "heaviness", like moving through mud.
So the frustration continues. I don't enjoy being around myself, just feeling heavy and blah, and so I can understand that it is difficult for others to be around me as well. I feel for Hubby. He's had to listen to the same whines and complaints over and over and over. I'm not the Bundle of Joy he fell in love with. But I just can't find the zipper to get out of this weighted snowsuit that is bringing me down. And I looked forward to talking to this new doctor today and see if she had some insight.
Except, the new doctor I drove in to see is at a Medical Conference. Bah!! Saw a really nice fella doctor and he was pleasant. He renewed a different prescription that I needed to deal with, so it wasn't a totally wasted trip but I left the office feeling really bummed that I have to wait... wait longer to find out some answers. Wait longer, and carry around this extra darkness.
However... I spoke with Hubby on the phone once I got home and he said some extremely supportive things that helped to lift that cloud a bit. He gets a bit overwhelmed by my depression and doesn't always know the best road to go with me, but today he hit the nail on the head and I hung up the phone feeling really really loved. Certainly helped.
Now it is time for me to go to bed. So so very tired all the time. I'm holding on to the hope of rediscovering some Julie Andrews twirling in my future.
Today was an absolute hodge-podge of emotion. I hit the whole scale and every point in between. The day started pretty good. Not doing any Julie Andrews twirling in my kitchen or anything, but facing the day quite well (despite being a bit grumpy about the freakin cold temperatures).
And then the earth tilted slightly on its axis and I started sliding downhill. By the time I was driving into town for my doctor's appointment, I was feeling pretty teary. Just feeling so frustrated. Somewhere inside I am a genuinely happy bubbly person. But for some reason it is just excruciating work to keep that sunshiny person on the outside on a daily basis. The best way I can describe it is: imagine doing your mundane household chores (ie taking out the garbage, vacumming, dusting, laundry) in a snowsuit and big winter boots. I'm able to do all those chores, but I just feel like I'm lugging around this "heaviness", like moving through mud.
So the frustration continues. I don't enjoy being around myself, just feeling heavy and blah, and so I can understand that it is difficult for others to be around me as well. I feel for Hubby. He's had to listen to the same whines and complaints over and over and over. I'm not the Bundle of Joy he fell in love with. But I just can't find the zipper to get out of this weighted snowsuit that is bringing me down. And I looked forward to talking to this new doctor today and see if she had some insight.
Except, the new doctor I drove in to see is at a Medical Conference. Bah!! Saw a really nice fella doctor and he was pleasant. He renewed a different prescription that I needed to deal with, so it wasn't a totally wasted trip but I left the office feeling really bummed that I have to wait... wait longer to find out some answers. Wait longer, and carry around this extra darkness.
However... I spoke with Hubby on the phone once I got home and he said some extremely supportive things that helped to lift that cloud a bit. He gets a bit overwhelmed by my depression and doesn't always know the best road to go with me, but today he hit the nail on the head and I hung up the phone feeling really really loved. Certainly helped.
Now it is time for me to go to bed. So so very tired all the time. I'm holding on to the hope of rediscovering some Julie Andrews twirling in my future.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Let's Party!
Mood: Hopeful...bordering on Focused
Monday morning and it's been a weekend of reflection. Wasn't feeling great all weekend and that caused me to be horizontal most of Saturday and Sunday, which always get the brain going. Had some insightful revelations. I've had some really significant times in my life when I think back "Wow! The Pam of that time was really strong or intense". But each Pam is slightly different. I think its time that I have a party and introduce each Pam to one another and see if we can't combine to make a New and Improved Pam.
Invitees will include the Pam from Tantallon and early Esterhazy. When I look at pictures of that Pam from age 3 or so I see a young lady who is fearless and ready to grab the World by the horns. She was happy and full of music and joy. She could've taken the world by storm.
Next on the list would be Luther Pam. Aged eighteen and nineteen, the future was wide open to her. All possibilities were doable. A fellow dorm-mate (and extremely intelligent and admirable gal) once told this focused Pam that she was jealous. Jealous? Of me? Because I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I wanted to find Mr. Right and have the picket fence and be a professional Block Parent.
Also invited to the party would have to be Trucker Pam. Who leaves their established Childcare career that they have been trained for and gets their Class 1 and goes truckin? Maybe there was traces of that 3 year old fearlessness still in there? Many icy winter roads white-knuckling it up and down the roads of North America. Whew!
What would a party be without Lillooet Pam? Actually this spans a few years at the end of the millenium, but generally this Pam became a girl during this time. Up until those years, she claimed to be "an Earthworm", very androginous. Female enough to be sweet, but never very sexy or sensual. And yet as tough or strong as any guy out there. But during that time a butterfly emerged somehow. Found my "She Legs".
The guestlist continues with Career Pam and there are a couple of versions that should attend. The Pam that took the leap to try this job, and try to do it well despite not having much in the way of guidance needs to be there. And then Germany Pam, who accomplished things that wasn't even on the radar of imaginable! The persona that was created in Germany (even if it was a blatant case of Fake It Till You Make It) still blows my mind. Who WAS that person? Strong, Confident and Funny and a grownup version of that 3 year old girl from Tantallon. Because no one at those meetings knew the Pam who was a culmination of Life Experiences that got me here, I was free to "act" like whoever I wanted to be. And so this whirlwind of a gal took Europe by storm!
Maybe it wasn't entirely an act?
I think this will be one hell of a party and I look forward to much dancing and laughing!
Monday morning and it's been a weekend of reflection. Wasn't feeling great all weekend and that caused me to be horizontal most of Saturday and Sunday, which always get the brain going. Had some insightful revelations. I've had some really significant times in my life when I think back "Wow! The Pam of that time was really strong or intense". But each Pam is slightly different. I think its time that I have a party and introduce each Pam to one another and see if we can't combine to make a New and Improved Pam.
Invitees will include the Pam from Tantallon and early Esterhazy. When I look at pictures of that Pam from age 3 or so I see a young lady who is fearless and ready to grab the World by the horns. She was happy and full of music and joy. She could've taken the world by storm.
Next on the list would be Luther Pam. Aged eighteen and nineteen, the future was wide open to her. All possibilities were doable. A fellow dorm-mate (and extremely intelligent and admirable gal) once told this focused Pam that she was jealous. Jealous? Of me? Because I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I wanted to find Mr. Right and have the picket fence and be a professional Block Parent.
Also invited to the party would have to be Trucker Pam. Who leaves their established Childcare career that they have been trained for and gets their Class 1 and goes truckin? Maybe there was traces of that 3 year old fearlessness still in there? Many icy winter roads white-knuckling it up and down the roads of North America. Whew!
What would a party be without Lillooet Pam? Actually this spans a few years at the end of the millenium, but generally this Pam became a girl during this time. Up until those years, she claimed to be "an Earthworm", very androginous. Female enough to be sweet, but never very sexy or sensual. And yet as tough or strong as any guy out there. But during that time a butterfly emerged somehow. Found my "She Legs".
The guestlist continues with Career Pam and there are a couple of versions that should attend. The Pam that took the leap to try this job, and try to do it well despite not having much in the way of guidance needs to be there. And then Germany Pam, who accomplished things that wasn't even on the radar of imaginable! The persona that was created in Germany (even if it was a blatant case of Fake It Till You Make It) still blows my mind. Who WAS that person? Strong, Confident and Funny and a grownup version of that 3 year old girl from Tantallon. Because no one at those meetings knew the Pam who was a culmination of Life Experiences that got me here, I was free to "act" like whoever I wanted to be. And so this whirlwind of a gal took Europe by storm!
Maybe it wasn't entirely an act?
I think this will be one hell of a party and I look forward to much dancing and laughing!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Got Backbone?
Mood: Feisty and a bit Strong
And the size of the flakes just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Been looking out the window today watching the snow come and go and each time it starts up again, the flakes are larger than the last time. Right now the stuff falling from the sky are reaching Volkswagon proportions.
Today there was something growing between the back of my neck and my tailbone. Some call it a Backbone but it's a rarity in this Person. I have had a few people I associate with from a work perspective not exactly throw hoards of respect my way and today I shovelled a bit of that Bitter Medicine back in their direction. Not sure how I feel about that. It definitely makes me feel uncomfortable because its not my normal behaviour, but otherwise it feels kind of liberating. It does frustrate me that I get backed into a corner from time to time when I pride myself on being bubbly, pleasant and personable. I resent the fact that I reach the point that I feel I need to push back. Can't we all just get along?
I kept my Tools handy this afternoon. Made sure there was music in the house and a fire in the woodstove; definite Mood Elevators, Sanity Savers if you will.
Off to make some supper. Something warm. Something comforting.
Have you hugged someone today?
And the size of the flakes just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. Been looking out the window today watching the snow come and go and each time it starts up again, the flakes are larger than the last time. Right now the stuff falling from the sky are reaching Volkswagon proportions.
Today there was something growing between the back of my neck and my tailbone. Some call it a Backbone but it's a rarity in this Person. I have had a few people I associate with from a work perspective not exactly throw hoards of respect my way and today I shovelled a bit of that Bitter Medicine back in their direction. Not sure how I feel about that. It definitely makes me feel uncomfortable because its not my normal behaviour, but otherwise it feels kind of liberating. It does frustrate me that I get backed into a corner from time to time when I pride myself on being bubbly, pleasant and personable. I resent the fact that I reach the point that I feel I need to push back. Can't we all just get along?
I kept my Tools handy this afternoon. Made sure there was music in the house and a fire in the woodstove; definite Mood Elevators, Sanity Savers if you will.
Off to make some supper. Something warm. Something comforting.
Have you hugged someone today?
Monday, November 15, 2010
Hamster Wheel Day
Mood: A bit restless, but I believe that is work-related.
And the wheel goes around and around and around....
My work day began with what seemed like an urgent email from a co-worker who requested my help on a project and would send the information right away. That turned out to be an all day Tap Tap Tap Is This Thing Working wait. Now at nearly day's end the Panic Button has been pressed but sadly my level of Give a Damn is not what it used to be. Sorry honey, a lack of organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. The theory of Hurry Up and Wait does not carry the weight that it once did.
Hubby headed back on the road this morning. On his way to Texas, which feels a bit odd for me. This will be the farthest distance he has trucked in about a year and a half, so I feel a bit more bummed than usual. I know my work will keep me distracted and it will seem like no time at all.
I'm off to a Girls Night this evening. I look forward to the quality time spent with my galpal, first having supper out and then off to the Hair Dresser for some re-beautifying. The weather could be a bit more co-operative for my liking. It's blustery and wet but that's November for you. Some Laugh Therapy will be good for my soul tonight.
Have you hugged somebody today?
And the wheel goes around and around and around....
My work day began with what seemed like an urgent email from a co-worker who requested my help on a project and would send the information right away. That turned out to be an all day Tap Tap Tap Is This Thing Working wait. Now at nearly day's end the Panic Button has been pressed but sadly my level of Give a Damn is not what it used to be. Sorry honey, a lack of organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. The theory of Hurry Up and Wait does not carry the weight that it once did.
Hubby headed back on the road this morning. On his way to Texas, which feels a bit odd for me. This will be the farthest distance he has trucked in about a year and a half, so I feel a bit more bummed than usual. I know my work will keep me distracted and it will seem like no time at all.
I'm off to a Girls Night this evening. I look forward to the quality time spent with my galpal, first having supper out and then off to the Hair Dresser for some re-beautifying. The weather could be a bit more co-operative for my liking. It's blustery and wet but that's November for you. Some Laugh Therapy will be good for my soul tonight.
Have you hugged somebody today?
Out Of Tune
Mood: Happy but Busy Brain
Started the day (early) with a pleasant surprise. About 4:30 this morning Hubby pulled into the yard after driving all night from BC. Was not expecting that at all! I didn't think he would be home until this afternoon-ish. Love that!
Today was a day of puttering and doing normal Sunday things followed up by an afternoon Football Game watching out beloved Riders win over the Lions. What a nail-biter! Chili in the crockpot filling the house with aroma, it was a lovely end to the weekend.
There certainly is an energy change in the house when Hubby is home. There isn't the calm and quiet that I felt on Saturday evening when there was nothing but the crackle of the fire and the flip of book pages. There is a feeling of fun and excitement but I sometimes let myself get soaked into the hustle & bustle that fills the house. I can sometimes taste the frenzy. :)
All in all, it was a cozy November Sunday with my fella.
Have you hugged someone today?
Started the day (early) with a pleasant surprise. About 4:30 this morning Hubby pulled into the yard after driving all night from BC. Was not expecting that at all! I didn't think he would be home until this afternoon-ish. Love that!
Today was a day of puttering and doing normal Sunday things followed up by an afternoon Football Game watching out beloved Riders win over the Lions. What a nail-biter! Chili in the crockpot filling the house with aroma, it was a lovely end to the weekend.
There certainly is an energy change in the house when Hubby is home. There isn't the calm and quiet that I felt on Saturday evening when there was nothing but the crackle of the fire and the flip of book pages. There is a feeling of fun and excitement but I sometimes let myself get soaked into the hustle & bustle that fills the house. I can sometimes taste the frenzy. :)
All in all, it was a cozy November Sunday with my fella.
Have you hugged someone today?
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Quiet Among The Crowd
Mood: Content
Let's chalk this day up to Very Satisfying. Despite reading in bed wayyy too long last night, I crawled out of my cozy bed this morning determined to be productive. I was out the door quickly and off to Fort Saskatchewan to run some errands with the hope of sitting and reading at the new Starbucks as a reward. I find a joy being within a crowd, yet alone. I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet corner yet feel surrounded by some sort of Caffiene Addicted Family.
Purchased some D drops today. A new liquid Vitamin D that claims to make taking Vitamin D everyday much easier. I have read articles about the effect of Vitamin D deficiency on the mood and I'll take every little bit of help I can get. Everybody north of, say Oklahoma could use a lot more of the Sunshine Vitamin so what have I got to lose? And I'm going to try and make a conscious effort to get outside everyday for at least 15 mins. The northern Alberta sun doesn't provide much Zing in the middle of November but the handful of rays are good for my soul.
I have a roaring fire in the woodstove again this evening (another Lifter of the Soul) and I am going to be a valiant effort to finish that book tonight. And hopefully before I reach 1 AM again.
Have you hugged someone today?
Let's chalk this day up to Very Satisfying. Despite reading in bed wayyy too long last night, I crawled out of my cozy bed this morning determined to be productive. I was out the door quickly and off to Fort Saskatchewan to run some errands with the hope of sitting and reading at the new Starbucks as a reward. I find a joy being within a crowd, yet alone. I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet corner yet feel surrounded by some sort of Caffiene Addicted Family.
Purchased some D drops today. A new liquid Vitamin D that claims to make taking Vitamin D everyday much easier. I have read articles about the effect of Vitamin D deficiency on the mood and I'll take every little bit of help I can get. Everybody north of, say Oklahoma could use a lot more of the Sunshine Vitamin so what have I got to lose? And I'm going to try and make a conscious effort to get outside everyday for at least 15 mins. The northern Alberta sun doesn't provide much Zing in the middle of November but the handful of rays are good for my soul.
I have a roaring fire in the woodstove again this evening (another Lifter of the Soul) and I am going to be a valiant effort to finish that book tonight. And hopefully before I reach 1 AM again.
Have you hugged someone today?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Someone Turn Down The Volume
Ever try to write a letter (or some other task that takes some focus) and have multiple people distract you with questions and stories (with an action movie on in the background just a little too loud)? That's how I have been feeling lately. Like I'm in a constant state of Augh!
I am going to journal the Ups and Downs of my world, wading through moments of joy, frustration, contentment and depression. Just coming off a pretty low Low and I'm on the upswing now. However, after a particularly rock-bottom Low my brain is busy sorting out the earth-shattering revelations I have while down there. One conclusion I've come to is that my life needs a little Boredom. That is not what most people strive for but there never seems to be a shortage of Drama around and I am aiming for some Peace. When the Christmas cards start arriving in a few weeks wishing Peace On Earth, I will have my fingers crossed more literally than most.
Attempted to make an appointment with a new Doctor today but no one was answering at that office today. Maybe off an extra day for Rememberance Day? I wasn't unhappy with my previous doctor, however I'm not sure he was looking at the Big Picture with my health. Mainly concentrating on whatever symptom was rearing its head that day. Feel like starting fresh with a new doctor (highly recommended by a friend) is the way to go.
So, here's to a boring weekend with absolutely nothing of interest to write about. ;)
Have you hugged someone today?
I am going to journal the Ups and Downs of my world, wading through moments of joy, frustration, contentment and depression. Just coming off a pretty low Low and I'm on the upswing now. However, after a particularly rock-bottom Low my brain is busy sorting out the earth-shattering revelations I have while down there. One conclusion I've come to is that my life needs a little Boredom. That is not what most people strive for but there never seems to be a shortage of Drama around and I am aiming for some Peace. When the Christmas cards start arriving in a few weeks wishing Peace On Earth, I will have my fingers crossed more literally than most.
Attempted to make an appointment with a new Doctor today but no one was answering at that office today. Maybe off an extra day for Rememberance Day? I wasn't unhappy with my previous doctor, however I'm not sure he was looking at the Big Picture with my health. Mainly concentrating on whatever symptom was rearing its head that day. Feel like starting fresh with a new doctor (highly recommended by a friend) is the way to go.
So, here's to a boring weekend with absolutely nothing of interest to write about. ;)
Have you hugged someone today?
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