Up Down and All Around

Mood:  Good, then Bad, then Good, then Tired

Today was an absolute hodge-podge of emotion.  I hit the whole scale and every point in between.  The day started pretty good.  Not doing any Julie Andrews twirling in my kitchen or anything, but facing the day quite well (despite being a bit grumpy about the freakin cold temperatures).

And then the earth tilted slightly on its axis and I started sliding downhill.  By the time I was driving into town for my doctor's appointment, I was feeling pretty teary.  Just feeling so frustrated.  Somewhere inside I am a genuinely happy bubbly person.  But for some reason it is just excruciating work to keep that sunshiny person on the outside on a daily basis.  The best way I can describe it is: imagine doing your mundane household chores (ie taking out the garbage, vacumming, dusting, laundry) in a snowsuit and big winter boots.  I'm able to do all those chores, but I just feel like I'm lugging around this "heaviness", like moving through mud.

So the frustration continues.  I don't enjoy being around myself, just feeling heavy and blah, and so I can understand that it is difficult for others to be around me as well.  I feel for Hubby.  He's had to listen to the same whines and complaints over and over and over.  I'm not the Bundle of Joy he fell in love with.  But I just can't find the zipper to get out of this weighted snowsuit that is bringing me down.  And I looked forward to talking to this new doctor today and see if she had some insight.

Except, the new doctor I drove in to see is at a Medical Conference.  Bah!!  Saw a really nice fella doctor and he was pleasant.  He renewed a different prescription that I needed to deal with, so it wasn't a totally wasted trip but I left the office feeling really bummed that I have to wait... wait longer to find out some answers. Wait longer, and carry around this extra darkness.

However... I spoke with Hubby on the phone once I got home and he said some extremely supportive things that helped to lift that cloud a bit.  He gets a bit overwhelmed by my depression and doesn't always know the best road to go with me, but today he hit the nail on the head and I hung up the phone feeling really really loved.  Certainly helped.

Now it is time for me to go to bed.  So so very tired all the time.  I'm holding on to the hope of rediscovering some Julie Andrews twirling in my future.