Today is Happy...Get over it!

Mood:  Cheerful and dancing

The sun is shining.  The thermometer is climbing.  Its a good day.  A Happy day.

And there's something wrong with that.

I've been having such a great morning (even danced in my Living Room!) and yet I caught myself holding back somehow.  As I did some quotes for a customer today I found myself humming a tune and yet there is a thin cloud of guilt that hangs over.

Instead of just enjoying the fact that I'm having a great day, I'm feeling, in the back of my mind where all the dark thinking begins, "oh yeah. you're Happy today. but what about tomorrow? Happy days are usually followed by crash days".  And I feel this urge to try and figure out why today is Happier than yesterday.  What am I doing right today that I didn't do yesterday?  How can I hold on tightly to this Happiness?  And through all of this the clock keeps ticking and the hours keep passing and before I know it my Happy Day will have passed and I didn't even stop to enjoy it.

So, screw it!  It is what it is.  A Happy Day.  And I'm gonna live the shit out of it!

But... if I let myself be Happy today does that negate the blues of yesterday?  Again, in that dark place in the back of my mind where the voices never shut up, I hear "if you let yourself be Happy today then I guess you really AREN'T depressed and all the tears and whining of yesterday and other dark days are just bullshit and you are just a spoiled diva.  it's all or nothing.  either you are depressed and feeling on the edge of destruction every day or you are Happy and dancing in your living room every day.  you can't have both".

Well, maybe I can have both?  At least until I can get some medical answers and guidance.  I guess there will be good days.  And there will be bad days.  One good day doesn't mean I'm in remission and on the road to being cured.  And one bad day doesn't mean that all Happy days are over.

It is what it is. A Happy day.

Go and enjoy it......