A Change In View

Mood:  Bordering on a bit grumpy all day.  Then a change of heart.

Energy Level:  Nil, Zip, Nada, Zilch, None, No Way, Forget About It.

I moved through today like a slug.  At one point you had to ram a stick into the ground beside me to see if I was moving.  And not just physically; my brain moved at about the same speed.  Bad case of the Monday Blahs.  If it had been the weekend, I think I would've slept all day.

And although at no point did I actually get grumpy, I could feel it bubbling just below the surface.  Just not really thrilled with putting one foot in front of the other and didn't really care.  C'est sera sera.  Let tomorrow be a better day.

However, although I still have the energy of a wet sponge, I do have to admit that I am feeling rather humble and grateful at the moment.  Just finished reading several pages in "The Promised Land" by Pierre Burton and we should all walk outside and kiss the ground thankfully (especially those of us who live in Western Canada) for the settlers, namely from eastern Europe, and what they had to go through to get here.  I know the Hungarians on my mother's side, who came to Canada just before the turn of the century, probably endured similar horrors as described in Pierre's book.

God Bless them all for the great country we have!

Me Myself and I

Mood: Quiet today

I documented my mood as "quiet" although at the moment the word Disappointed would be more appropriate as I just finished watching an exciting Grey Cup in which the Roughriders lost to the Alouettes.  They played their hearts out and it was a nail biting game.

Yesterday I had a fabulous day.  I got the Kubota running in order to clear some snow on the driveway and in front of the house.  Before Hubby left he didn't put the blade back onto the tractor so I had to use the bucket, which isn't too bad, just more time consuming and it doesn't do as nice a job.  Once I had finished clearing the necessary areas, I was feeling confident enough to try and put the blade on all by myself.  And I did it!  Not to make this job sound bigger than it is, but I was extremely proud of myself for doing a difficult task and not getting frustrated.  Not even a little bit.  That hasn't been the case for the most part lately.  Any little frustration would get the tears to rollin'.  No Kleenex required.

It felt so good that I walked around cheering "Yay Me!" to myself for a little while.  Bella, the cat, was very proud of me too.

My social calendar has been pleasantly full lately.  I checked out a jewelry party with a friend yesterday afternoon and then Jethro and I joined a couple of nieces for supper in Radway for a birthday celebration.

Today I was feeling considerably quieter.  Hubby even asked if I was mad at him because I was a bit quiet.  Just feeling mellow, I guess.  Not feeling sad or melancholy.  Just quiet.  I guess my brain decided it was Sunday and thought it deserved a day off once and a while as well.

I have an interesting week ahead.  Work two days, have a day off, and then work two days.  It will be like having a weekend in the middle of the week!

And that's always a good thing.

Pearly Whites and Christmas Cheer

Mood:  Cheery and Friendly

Inside my head today I had two tape players broadcasting conflicting messages (no I am not hearing voices...yet).  Fortunately the one playing the cheerful banter was louder than the more negative loop.  In the foreground was the beginnings of Christmas spirit and community.  Seeing old friends this evening at the local Christmas Market was just lovely.  Making plans for a couple of outings tomorrow also helped to keep the soul in the upright position.

In the background clutter of my thoughts today was the usual end of year distraction of dollars and cents with this year being particularly consuming.  But a unexpected visit to the dentist this afternoon to repair a broken tooth did not help to soften that distraction.  Oh, your nickels are already stretched like a hooker's spandex?  Well, let's throw this little wrench into things just to shake it up a little.  Always fun.

But, despite the hiccups that keep coming I have been plunging forward in rather good nature.  What is up with that?  It seems that when we are hovering near the edge of that horrible abyss, I'm not hardly fazed.  But, have a package that I'm expecting not arrive in timely fashion or have a holiday unfold as something short of a Norman Rockwell painting and I'm huddled in the corner in the fetal position, one bone-curdling sob from an I-Love-Me jacket.

I may be a diva.

Someone get me a glass of water.  And don't forget the lemon wedge.

Cruisin' in Neutral

Mood:  Cheerful

I had a real problem deciding on a word to use to describe my mood today.  I wasn't feeling overly skip-to-my-lou today but certainly wasn't blah or blue, so cheerful seems to work.  I wanted to put Neutral.  Or Normal.  However I laughed out loud at that last one... there is very little about me that could be described as Normal.

Temperatures above zero and the sun a-shining made for a lovely day in my Mobile Office.  My travels took me to Onoway, which really is an enchanting little town.  And good tunes blaring out the speakers, just loud enough to drown out my singing, kept that little car bee-boppin.

I'd like to write some really profound revelation from today, but there just wasn't any.  That's why I wanted to label today as Neutral.  No drama, no enlightenment.

All is good.

Today is Happy...Get over it!

Mood:  Cheerful and dancing

The sun is shining.  The thermometer is climbing.  Its a good day.  A Happy day.

And there's something wrong with that.

I've been having such a great morning (even danced in my Living Room!) and yet I caught myself holding back somehow.  As I did some quotes for a customer today I found myself humming a tune and yet there is a thin cloud of guilt that hangs over.

Instead of just enjoying the fact that I'm having a great day, I'm feeling, in the back of my mind where all the dark thinking begins, "oh yeah. you're Happy today. but what about tomorrow? Happy days are usually followed by crash days".  And I feel this urge to try and figure out why today is Happier than yesterday.  What am I doing right today that I didn't do yesterday?  How can I hold on tightly to this Happiness?  And through all of this the clock keeps ticking and the hours keep passing and before I know it my Happy Day will have passed and I didn't even stop to enjoy it.

So, screw it!  It is what it is.  A Happy Day.  And I'm gonna live the shit out of it!

But... if I let myself be Happy today does that negate the blues of yesterday?  Again, in that dark place in the back of my mind where the voices never shut up, I hear "if you let yourself be Happy today then I guess you really AREN'T depressed and all the tears and whining of yesterday and other dark days are just bullshit and you are just a spoiled diva.  it's all or nothing.  either you are depressed and feeling on the edge of destruction every day or you are Happy and dancing in your living room every day.  you can't have both".

Well, maybe I can have both?  At least until I can get some medical answers and guidance.  I guess there will be good days.  And there will be bad days.  One good day doesn't mean I'm in remission and on the road to being cured.  And one bad day doesn't mean that all Happy days are over.

It is what it is. A Happy day.

Go and enjoy it......

Up Down and All Around

Mood:  Good, then Bad, then Good, then Tired

Today was an absolute hodge-podge of emotion.  I hit the whole scale and every point in between.  The day started pretty good.  Not doing any Julie Andrews twirling in my kitchen or anything, but facing the day quite well (despite being a bit grumpy about the freakin cold temperatures).

And then the earth tilted slightly on its axis and I started sliding downhill.  By the time I was driving into town for my doctor's appointment, I was feeling pretty teary.  Just feeling so frustrated.  Somewhere inside I am a genuinely happy bubbly person.  But for some reason it is just excruciating work to keep that sunshiny person on the outside on a daily basis.  The best way I can describe it is: imagine doing your mundane household chores (ie taking out the garbage, vacumming, dusting, laundry) in a snowsuit and big winter boots.  I'm able to do all those chores, but I just feel like I'm lugging around this "heaviness", like moving through mud.

So the frustration continues.  I don't enjoy being around myself, just feeling heavy and blah, and so I can understand that it is difficult for others to be around me as well.  I feel for Hubby.  He's had to listen to the same whines and complaints over and over and over.  I'm not the Bundle of Joy he fell in love with.  But I just can't find the zipper to get out of this weighted snowsuit that is bringing me down.  And I looked forward to talking to this new doctor today and see if she had some insight.

Except, the new doctor I drove in to see is at a Medical Conference.  Bah!!  Saw a really nice fella doctor and he was pleasant.  He renewed a different prescription that I needed to deal with, so it wasn't a totally wasted trip but I left the office feeling really bummed that I have to wait... wait longer to find out some answers. Wait longer, and carry around this extra darkness.

However... I spoke with Hubby on the phone once I got home and he said some extremely supportive things that helped to lift that cloud a bit.  He gets a bit overwhelmed by my depression and doesn't always know the best road to go with me, but today he hit the nail on the head and I hung up the phone feeling really really loved.  Certainly helped.

Now it is time for me to go to bed.  So so very tired all the time.  I'm holding on to the hope of rediscovering some Julie Andrews twirling in my future.

Let's Party!

Mood:  Hopeful...bordering on Focused

Monday morning and it's been a weekend of reflection.  Wasn't feeling great all weekend and that caused me to be horizontal most of Saturday and Sunday, which always get the brain going.  Had some insightful revelations.  I've had some really significant times in my life when I think back "Wow! The Pam of that time was really strong or intense".  But each Pam is slightly different.  I think its time that I have a party and introduce each Pam to one another and see if we can't combine to make a New and Improved Pam.

Invitees will include the Pam from Tantallon and early Esterhazy.  When I look at pictures of that Pam from age 3 or so I see a young lady who is fearless and ready to grab the World by the horns.  She was happy and full of music and joy.  She could've taken the world by storm.

Next on the list would be Luther Pam.  Aged eighteen and nineteen, the future was wide open to her.  All possibilities were doable.  A fellow dorm-mate (and extremely intelligent and admirable gal) once told this focused Pam that she was jealous.  Jealous? Of me?  Because I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.  I wanted to find Mr. Right and have the picket fence and be a professional Block Parent.

Also invited to the party would have to be Trucker Pam.  Who leaves their established Childcare career that they have  been trained for and gets their Class 1 and goes truckin?  Maybe there was traces of that 3 year old fearlessness still in there?  Many icy winter roads white-knuckling it up and down the roads of North America.  Whew!

What would a party be without Lillooet Pam?  Actually this spans a few years at the end of the millenium, but generally this Pam became a girl during this time.  Up until those years, she claimed to be "an Earthworm", very androginous.  Female enough to be sweet, but never very sexy or sensual.  And yet as tough or strong as any guy out there.  But during that time a butterfly emerged somehow.  Found my "She Legs".

The guestlist continues with Career Pam and there are a couple of versions that should attend.  The Pam that took the leap to try this job, and try to do it well despite not having much in the way of guidance needs to be there.  And then Germany Pam, who accomplished things that wasn't even on the radar of imaginable!  The persona that was created in Germany (even if it was a blatant case of Fake It Till You Make It) still blows my mind.  Who WAS that person?  Strong, Confident and Funny and a grownup version of that 3 year old girl from Tantallon.  Because no one at those meetings knew the Pam who was a culmination of Life Experiences that got me here, I was free to "act" like whoever I wanted to be.  And so this whirlwind of a gal took Europe by storm!

Maybe it wasn't entirely an act?

I think this will be one hell of a party and I look forward to much dancing and laughing!

Got Backbone?

Mood: Feisty and a bit Strong

And the size of the flakes just keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger.  Been looking out the window today watching the snow come and go and each time it starts up again, the flakes are larger than the last time.  Right now the stuff falling from the sky are reaching Volkswagon proportions.

Today there was something growing between the back of my neck and my tailbone.  Some call it a Backbone but it's a rarity in this Person.  I have had a few people I associate with from a work perspective not exactly throw hoards of respect my way and today I shovelled a bit of that Bitter Medicine back in their direction.  Not sure how I feel about that.  It definitely makes me feel uncomfortable because its not my normal behaviour, but otherwise it feels kind of liberating.  It does frustrate me that I get backed into a corner from time to time when I pride myself on being bubbly, pleasant and personable.  I resent the fact that I reach the point that I feel I need to push back.  Can't we all just get along?

I kept my Tools handy this afternoon.  Made sure there was music in the house and a fire in the woodstove; definite Mood Elevators, Sanity Savers if you will.

Off to make some supper.  Something warm.  Something comforting.

Have you hugged someone today?

Hamster Wheel Day

Mood:  A bit restless, but I believe that is work-related.

And the wheel goes around and around and around....

My work day began with what seemed like an urgent email from a co-worker who requested my help on a project and would send the information right away.  That turned out to be an all day Tap Tap Tap Is This Thing Working wait.  Now at nearly day's end the Panic Button has been pressed but sadly my level of Give a Damn is not what it used to be.  Sorry honey, a lack of organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.  The theory of Hurry Up and Wait does not carry the weight that it once did.

Hubby headed back on the road this morning.  On his way to Texas, which feels a bit odd for me.  This will be the farthest distance he has trucked in about a year and a half, so I feel a bit more bummed than usual.  I know my work will keep me distracted and it will seem like no time at all.

I'm off to a Girls Night this evening.  I look forward to the quality time spent with my galpal, first having supper out and then off to the Hair Dresser for some re-beautifying.  The weather could be a bit more co-operative for my liking.  It's blustery and wet but that's November for you.  Some Laugh Therapy will be good for my soul tonight.

Have you hugged somebody today?

Out Of Tune

Mood: Happy but Busy Brain

Started the day (early) with a pleasant surprise.  About 4:30 this morning Hubby pulled into the yard after driving all night from BC.  Was not expecting that at all!  I didn't think he would be home until this afternoon-ish.  Love that!

Today was a day of puttering and doing normal Sunday things followed up by an afternoon Football Game watching out beloved Riders win over the Lions.  What a nail-biter!  Chili in the crockpot filling the house with aroma, it was a lovely end to the weekend.

There certainly is an energy change in the house when Hubby is home.  There isn't the calm and quiet that I felt on Saturday evening when there was nothing but the crackle of the fire and the flip of book pages.  There is a feeling of fun and excitement but I sometimes let myself get soaked into the hustle & bustle that fills the house.  I can sometimes taste the frenzy. :)

All in all, it was a cozy November Sunday with my fella.

Have you hugged someone today?

Quiet Among The Crowd

Mood: Content

Let's chalk this day up to Very Satisfying.  Despite reading in bed wayyy too long last night, I crawled out of my cozy bed this morning determined to be productive.  I was out the door quickly and off to Fort Saskatchewan to run some errands with the hope of sitting and reading at the new Starbucks as a reward.  I find a joy being within a crowd, yet alone.  I get to enjoy the solitude of a quiet corner yet feel surrounded by some sort of Caffiene Addicted Family.

Purchased some D drops today.  A new liquid Vitamin D that claims to make taking Vitamin D everyday much easier.  I have read articles about the effect of Vitamin D deficiency on the mood and I'll take every little bit of help I can get.  Everybody north of, say Oklahoma could use a lot more of the Sunshine Vitamin so what have I got to lose?  And I'm going to try and make a conscious effort to get outside everyday for at least 15 mins.  The northern Alberta sun doesn't provide much Zing in the middle of November but the handful of rays are good for my soul.

I have a roaring fire in the woodstove again this evening (another Lifter of the Soul) and I am going to be a valiant effort to finish that book tonight.  And hopefully before I reach 1 AM again.

Have you hugged someone today?

Someone Turn Down The Volume

Ever try to write a letter (or some other task that takes some focus) and have multiple people distract you with questions and stories (with an action movie on in the background just a little too loud)? That's how I have been feeling lately. Like I'm in a constant state of Augh!


I am going to journal the Ups and Downs of my world, wading through moments of joy, frustration, contentment and depression.  Just coming off a pretty low Low and I'm on the upswing now.  However, after a particularly rock-bottom Low my brain is busy sorting out the earth-shattering revelations I have while down there. One conclusion I've come to is that my life needs a little Boredom.  That is not what most people strive for but there never seems to be a shortage of Drama around and I am aiming for some Peace. When the Christmas cards start arriving in a few weeks wishing Peace On Earth, I will have my fingers crossed more literally than most.


Attempted to make an appointment with a new Doctor today but no one was answering at that office today. Maybe off an extra day for Rememberance Day? I wasn't unhappy with my previous doctor, however I'm not sure he was looking at the Big Picture with my health.  Mainly concentrating on whatever symptom was rearing its head that day.  Feel like starting fresh with a new doctor (highly recommended by a friend) is the way to go.


So, here's to a boring weekend with absolutely nothing of interest to write about. ;)


Have you hugged someone today?