Mood: Happy but a bit tired
After two days on my new Liferope in a Pill I'm feeling pretty good. No apparent side effects and even the trouble I had last time on Celexa (insomnia) doesn't seem to be taking the same hold. I am having disrupted sleep though; tossing and turning several times a night thus my slight ass-dragging today. I feel pretty great mood-wise although I'm also still riding the wave of relief at having some solutions within reach. I'm hoping to ride that wave until the pill actually start to kick in.
Had a really great conversation on Twitter yesterday with a gal who had a miscarriage this past February. Women really don't talk about this subject enough. It's a common shared experience among women and we can provide each other such comfort. This conversation also revealed to me how far I have moved from my own experience. Her pain was still pretty raw and fresh and in comparison I could feel how much I have healed in the past 4 years. I hope I offered her some comfort that healing is possible.
Now, I think it's time for another cup of tea....
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Go Toward The Light
Mood: Happy And Extremely Hopeful
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Its a teeny light, but I can see it! It could be a train coming at me, but I'm going to go toward the light.
Saw the new doctor today. Want a fresh start, a new perspective on my health situation and I was really pleased with our first appointment. I explained to her that I've been on a Merry Go Round and I know some of the things that would help make me feel better however I just didn't know where to begin. We discussed a number of things that will be investigated so I finally feel like I have a "teammate" for getting myself pointed forward again.
We started with a prescription for Celexa. I had success with this anti-depressant about 3 years ago, so it was a good place to begin. It has been many months of trying to deciding whether this was a good move for me, but the Lows have been coming closer together lately and the valleys have been deeper each time. When they started returning, they were sporadic and only a bit of a Dip. But as they increase in intensity, I now know that it's the right thing to do...at least for now.
I have an appointment with a respiratory clinic to do a sleep study. I was not surprised when the Doc suggested that we check for Sleep Apnea. I wake up most mornings feeling like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat during the night. It really doesn't matter if I've had 6 hours sleep or nine. I wake up feeling horrible. So, in about a week I will find out if that has been a factor as well. And for good measure we are gonna have a peek at my hormones and other chemical levels. They were all fine last February, but it doesn't hurt to check The Fluid Levels before the Check Engine Light comes on.
The doctor's office is also referring me to a psychologist as well. Probably a good idea to talk to a professional about the beehive known as the inside of my brain, although I sure hope this professional has a large pad of paper and a plan because I really won't know where to begin!
It's a small step, but Lao Tzu said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step". I'm incredibly thankful for this one small step. I've been feeling like I have been twirling around and around in one spot for quite a while and a step in ANY direction feels like absolute relief. March On!!
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Its a teeny light, but I can see it! It could be a train coming at me, but I'm going to go toward the light.
Saw the new doctor today. Want a fresh start, a new perspective on my health situation and I was really pleased with our first appointment. I explained to her that I've been on a Merry Go Round and I know some of the things that would help make me feel better however I just didn't know where to begin. We discussed a number of things that will be investigated so I finally feel like I have a "teammate" for getting myself pointed forward again.
We started with a prescription for Celexa. I had success with this anti-depressant about 3 years ago, so it was a good place to begin. It has been many months of trying to deciding whether this was a good move for me, but the Lows have been coming closer together lately and the valleys have been deeper each time. When they started returning, they were sporadic and only a bit of a Dip. But as they increase in intensity, I now know that it's the right thing to do...at least for now.
I have an appointment with a respiratory clinic to do a sleep study. I was not surprised when the Doc suggested that we check for Sleep Apnea. I wake up most mornings feeling like someone has beaten me with a baseball bat during the night. It really doesn't matter if I've had 6 hours sleep or nine. I wake up feeling horrible. So, in about a week I will find out if that has been a factor as well. And for good measure we are gonna have a peek at my hormones and other chemical levels. They were all fine last February, but it doesn't hurt to check The Fluid Levels before the Check Engine Light comes on.
The doctor's office is also referring me to a psychologist as well. Probably a good idea to talk to a professional about the beehive known as the inside of my brain, although I sure hope this professional has a large pad of paper and a plan because I really won't know where to begin!
It's a small step, but Lao Tzu said "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step". I'm incredibly thankful for this one small step. I've been feeling like I have been twirling around and around in one spot for quite a while and a step in ANY direction feels like absolute relief. March On!!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lost Forever
Mood: I was happy... But now: frustrated
I just typed a long blog post and then with one wrong hit of a button it was all lost.
And I don't feel like retyping the WHOLE thing.
Crapola!
I just typed a long blog post and then with one wrong hit of a button it was all lost.
And I don't feel like retyping the WHOLE thing.
Crapola!
Friday, December 3, 2010
The Weekend Has Arrived
Mood: Lovely
It is nearing the start of the weekend and that makes me want to dance. In my Living Room. In my underwear. Actually I take back that last part because its usually so bloody chilly in our Living Room that I would probably take out an eye.
Hubby has been home for the past couple of days and he is now, unexpectedly, going to be home for the weekend. He was aligned to leave tomorrow for Oregon but he's been feeling sick and has decided to stay home and get better. That is quite unusual for him since he tends to Hero Up and press onward until he ends up with pneumonia and collapses in a cold sweat under the trailer. Nice to see him making an attempt to look after his health for a change. (even if throughout today I have had to squash his feelings of guilt for choosing to stay home).
I'm really feeling the lack of sunshine this year. I feel my body craving it. We go through Winter every year and every year our days get shorter and shorter right on cue. But this year it feels to me like we are getting about 20 minutes of daylight a day and that is usually filtered by clouds. If Star Trek's Scotty could "beam" me to the equator for the weekend I would certainly appreciate it. I would lie under that sun and soak up as much Vitamin D as possible. The slurping noise as my skin sucked up the rays would be deafening. In less than 20 days the length between sunrise and sunset will start to get longer and we'll be on the upswing, so please bear with me as I sit here in the window from now till then.
And now, my Friday evening should get under way. I always love Friday evenings. I have an entire weekend lying ahead of me, with all sorts of memory-building, relax-and-recharge possibilities. Some weekends are full of good times and others are pleasantly filled with an over-abundance of Absolutely Nothingness (naps included). Not sure what this weekend will hold, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Cheers to you and your weekend!
It is nearing the start of the weekend and that makes me want to dance. In my Living Room. In my underwear. Actually I take back that last part because its usually so bloody chilly in our Living Room that I would probably take out an eye.
Hubby has been home for the past couple of days and he is now, unexpectedly, going to be home for the weekend. He was aligned to leave tomorrow for Oregon but he's been feeling sick and has decided to stay home and get better. That is quite unusual for him since he tends to Hero Up and press onward until he ends up with pneumonia and collapses in a cold sweat under the trailer. Nice to see him making an attempt to look after his health for a change. (even if throughout today I have had to squash his feelings of guilt for choosing to stay home).
I'm really feeling the lack of sunshine this year. I feel my body craving it. We go through Winter every year and every year our days get shorter and shorter right on cue. But this year it feels to me like we are getting about 20 minutes of daylight a day and that is usually filtered by clouds. If Star Trek's Scotty could "beam" me to the equator for the weekend I would certainly appreciate it. I would lie under that sun and soak up as much Vitamin D as possible. The slurping noise as my skin sucked up the rays would be deafening. In less than 20 days the length between sunrise and sunset will start to get longer and we'll be on the upswing, so please bear with me as I sit here in the window from now till then.
And now, my Friday evening should get under way. I always love Friday evenings. I have an entire weekend lying ahead of me, with all sorts of memory-building, relax-and-recharge possibilities. Some weekends are full of good times and others are pleasantly filled with an over-abundance of Absolutely Nothingness (naps included). Not sure what this weekend will hold, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.
Cheers to you and your weekend!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Falling Apart at the Seams
Mood: Relaxed...today. Yesterday. crawl-under-the-bed
Yesterday was one of "those" days. You know, the kind that starts out relatively normal but one teeny thing goes wrong and then that leads to another thing and pretty soon your day has snowballed into a Raging Shitstorm of Destruction. Yeah, that was Tuesday.
I had ambitious plans to get up and out the door relatively early, and that plan was going well. I thought that while I finished getting ready I would sync my Blackberry with my laptop to update some new song that had been downloaded there. Oh no, the Technology Gods would have none of that! First I had to download an update application for my Blackberry. Seemed like a harmless enough task; except that it took forever and sort of froze up. When all was said and done, my Blackberry had been stripped of all the contents of my brain: all my calendar appointments, all my contacts, all my lists, everything. For a moment I forgot how to preform the simple task of breathing.
In with the good air, out with the bad.
I managed to head down the road in my car, still in a bit of a daze (and operating heavy machinery, good one!) but I figured I could manage to restore most of the information from pieces here and there. Onward to Edmonton. Some work things to do and then pick up my DHL mail, where I was expecting an exciting package with catalogues and fun.
But no package!?
I'm sure my level of disappointment would have been more proportional to the actual event if the sun had been shining and I had joy in my soul ... and the stars were aligned properly with Jupiter. But on this Tuesday, the Tuesday From Hell, a large cinder block was placed firmly on my heart. Oh yeah, that statement sounds terribly over dramatic (and it is) but that's just how overly dramatic I felt.
One stop at Walmart for catfood and I can be on my way; back to the safe cocoon of Under My Bed. No major apocalypse in WallyWorld, but just the teeniest of things annoyed me. I wanted to flip off every person who dared to step into the aisle in front of me. If it wasn't for the cute baby in the long line up in front of me, I think I would've been headlining on the evening news.
Let's roll this car northbound and just escape to the sanity of home. Then the phone rings. Hubby is stopped on the side of the road somewhere in southern Alberta with antifreeze spewing everywhere. He had to hitchhike to get more antifreeze and thought he had it fixed but just as we were talking it let go again and he had to hang up quickly, before I could even get the whole story or where exactly he was. Oh, and did I mention that he's been fighting a cold for days and sounds like Walking Death?
An hour and a half later I still hadn't heard from him and he wasn't answering his phone (despite dialing his number Numerous Times). By now I am sitting in my living room sobbing because my already negative brain is wondering the worst and frankly just couldn't take any more crap. I have no idea where he is and not sure exactly what was going on. Finally he answered, out of breath, sounding worse and really frustrated. He had had to walk to a farm for more water... and didn't take his phone with him. Oh my, the expletives that still run through my brain as I type this today.
He eventually got things patched up and got rolling again but it took him quite a while. And I eventually dabbed my puffy eyes and managed to scrape up some supper (not that I was very hungry). What a completely shitty day.
Again, I'm sure the events of the day, although pretty crappy, wouldn't have been so devastating on any other day. But the Litmus Paper for this Tuesday showed that all things would be highly acidic.
I'm just glad it's Wednesday.
Yesterday was one of "those" days. You know, the kind that starts out relatively normal but one teeny thing goes wrong and then that leads to another thing and pretty soon your day has snowballed into a Raging Shitstorm of Destruction. Yeah, that was Tuesday.
I had ambitious plans to get up and out the door relatively early, and that plan was going well. I thought that while I finished getting ready I would sync my Blackberry with my laptop to update some new song that had been downloaded there. Oh no, the Technology Gods would have none of that! First I had to download an update application for my Blackberry. Seemed like a harmless enough task; except that it took forever and sort of froze up. When all was said and done, my Blackberry had been stripped of all the contents of my brain: all my calendar appointments, all my contacts, all my lists, everything. For a moment I forgot how to preform the simple task of breathing.
In with the good air, out with the bad.
I managed to head down the road in my car, still in a bit of a daze (and operating heavy machinery, good one!) but I figured I could manage to restore most of the information from pieces here and there. Onward to Edmonton. Some work things to do and then pick up my DHL mail, where I was expecting an exciting package with catalogues and fun.
But no package!?
I'm sure my level of disappointment would have been more proportional to the actual event if the sun had been shining and I had joy in my soul ... and the stars were aligned properly with Jupiter. But on this Tuesday, the Tuesday From Hell, a large cinder block was placed firmly on my heart. Oh yeah, that statement sounds terribly over dramatic (and it is) but that's just how overly dramatic I felt.
One stop at Walmart for catfood and I can be on my way; back to the safe cocoon of Under My Bed. No major apocalypse in WallyWorld, but just the teeniest of things annoyed me. I wanted to flip off every person who dared to step into the aisle in front of me. If it wasn't for the cute baby in the long line up in front of me, I think I would've been headlining on the evening news.
Let's roll this car northbound and just escape to the sanity of home. Then the phone rings. Hubby is stopped on the side of the road somewhere in southern Alberta with antifreeze spewing everywhere. He had to hitchhike to get more antifreeze and thought he had it fixed but just as we were talking it let go again and he had to hang up quickly, before I could even get the whole story or where exactly he was. Oh, and did I mention that he's been fighting a cold for days and sounds like Walking Death?
An hour and a half later I still hadn't heard from him and he wasn't answering his phone (despite dialing his number Numerous Times). By now I am sitting in my living room sobbing because my already negative brain is wondering the worst and frankly just couldn't take any more crap. I have no idea where he is and not sure exactly what was going on. Finally he answered, out of breath, sounding worse and really frustrated. He had had to walk to a farm for more water... and didn't take his phone with him. Oh my, the expletives that still run through my brain as I type this today.
He eventually got things patched up and got rolling again but it took him quite a while. And I eventually dabbed my puffy eyes and managed to scrape up some supper (not that I was very hungry). What a completely shitty day.
Again, I'm sure the events of the day, although pretty crappy, wouldn't have been so devastating on any other day. But the Litmus Paper for this Tuesday showed that all things would be highly acidic.
I'm just glad it's Wednesday.
Monday, November 29, 2010
A Change In View
Mood: Bordering on a bit grumpy all day. Then a change of heart.
Energy Level: Nil, Zip, Nada, Zilch, None, No Way, Forget About It.
I moved through today like a slug. At one point you had to ram a stick into the ground beside me to see if I was moving. And not just physically; my brain moved at about the same speed. Bad case of the Monday Blahs. If it had been the weekend, I think I would've slept all day.
And although at no point did I actually get grumpy, I could feel it bubbling just below the surface. Just not really thrilled with putting one foot in front of the other and didn't really care. C'est sera sera. Let tomorrow be a better day.
However, although I still have the energy of a wet sponge, I do have to admit that I am feeling rather humble and grateful at the moment. Just finished reading several pages in "The Promised Land" by Pierre Burton and we should all walk outside and kiss the ground thankfully (especially those of us who live in Western Canada) for the settlers, namely from eastern Europe, and what they had to go through to get here. I know the Hungarians on my mother's side, who came to Canada just before the turn of the century, probably endured similar horrors as described in Pierre's book.
God Bless them all for the great country we have!
Energy Level: Nil, Zip, Nada, Zilch, None, No Way, Forget About It.
I moved through today like a slug. At one point you had to ram a stick into the ground beside me to see if I was moving. And not just physically; my brain moved at about the same speed. Bad case of the Monday Blahs. If it had been the weekend, I think I would've slept all day.
And although at no point did I actually get grumpy, I could feel it bubbling just below the surface. Just not really thrilled with putting one foot in front of the other and didn't really care. C'est sera sera. Let tomorrow be a better day.
However, although I still have the energy of a wet sponge, I do have to admit that I am feeling rather humble and grateful at the moment. Just finished reading several pages in "The Promised Land" by Pierre Burton and we should all walk outside and kiss the ground thankfully (especially those of us who live in Western Canada) for the settlers, namely from eastern Europe, and what they had to go through to get here. I know the Hungarians on my mother's side, who came to Canada just before the turn of the century, probably endured similar horrors as described in Pierre's book.
God Bless them all for the great country we have!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Me Myself and I
Mood: Quiet today
I documented my mood as "quiet" although at the moment the word Disappointed would be more appropriate as I just finished watching an exciting Grey Cup in which the Roughriders lost to the Alouettes. They played their hearts out and it was a nail biting game.
Yesterday I had a fabulous day. I got the Kubota running in order to clear some snow on the driveway and in front of the house. Before Hubby left he didn't put the blade back onto the tractor so I had to use the bucket, which isn't too bad, just more time consuming and it doesn't do as nice a job. Once I had finished clearing the necessary areas, I was feeling confident enough to try and put the blade on all by myself. And I did it! Not to make this job sound bigger than it is, but I was extremely proud of myself for doing a difficult task and not getting frustrated. Not even a little bit. That hasn't been the case for the most part lately. Any little frustration would get the tears to rollin'. No Kleenex required.
It felt so good that I walked around cheering "Yay Me!" to myself for a little while. Bella, the cat, was very proud of me too.
My social calendar has been pleasantly full lately. I checked out a jewelry party with a friend yesterday afternoon and then Jethro and I joined a couple of nieces for supper in Radway for a birthday celebration.
Today I was feeling considerably quieter. Hubby even asked if I was mad at him because I was a bit quiet. Just feeling mellow, I guess. Not feeling sad or melancholy. Just quiet. I guess my brain decided it was Sunday and thought it deserved a day off once and a while as well.
I have an interesting week ahead. Work two days, have a day off, and then work two days. It will be like having a weekend in the middle of the week!
And that's always a good thing.
I documented my mood as "quiet" although at the moment the word Disappointed would be more appropriate as I just finished watching an exciting Grey Cup in which the Roughriders lost to the Alouettes. They played their hearts out and it was a nail biting game.
Yesterday I had a fabulous day. I got the Kubota running in order to clear some snow on the driveway and in front of the house. Before Hubby left he didn't put the blade back onto the tractor so I had to use the bucket, which isn't too bad, just more time consuming and it doesn't do as nice a job. Once I had finished clearing the necessary areas, I was feeling confident enough to try and put the blade on all by myself. And I did it! Not to make this job sound bigger than it is, but I was extremely proud of myself for doing a difficult task and not getting frustrated. Not even a little bit. That hasn't been the case for the most part lately. Any little frustration would get the tears to rollin'. No Kleenex required.
It felt so good that I walked around cheering "Yay Me!" to myself for a little while. Bella, the cat, was very proud of me too.
My social calendar has been pleasantly full lately. I checked out a jewelry party with a friend yesterday afternoon and then Jethro and I joined a couple of nieces for supper in Radway for a birthday celebration.
Today I was feeling considerably quieter. Hubby even asked if I was mad at him because I was a bit quiet. Just feeling mellow, I guess. Not feeling sad or melancholy. Just quiet. I guess my brain decided it was Sunday and thought it deserved a day off once and a while as well.
I have an interesting week ahead. Work two days, have a day off, and then work two days. It will be like having a weekend in the middle of the week!
And that's always a good thing.
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